This Is How You Get Better at Recognizing Red Flags in Your Relationship

A three-level system for understanding romantic red flags.

Navigating the complex world of relationships can often feel like trying to decipher Morse code without a key. No matter how healthy you are, or how ready you feel, finding the right person to invest your time can be difficult to do. Everyone wants an ideal partner, and everyone is willing to sacrifice a lot to get that. But what happens when we sacrifice too much? What happens when we start overlooking red flags and accepting less than we should?

Recognizing red flags in a relationship isn’t a matter of memorizing some appendix of behaviors and words. Life is complicated and humans are even more complicated. What is a red flag to one person, may be a totally acceptable behavior to another.

With that reality in mind, how does someone figure out where their red flags lie?

The best way to assess red flags in your relationship is to invest in some serious attunement. If you want to know the truth about how your partner is affecting you, checking into your body, mind, and spirit is the best way to gain an accurate reflection of what’s going on in your relationship.

Understanding red flags requires tuning into your body and mind.

We talk a lot about “feeling” in our romantic relationships, but that’s not the only place where our connections are reflected. Your body, emotions, and thoughts offer invaluable insights into the health of your relationship. When you’re searching for red flags, it’s important to tune into these three levels of your experience. What are you feeling in your mind? Your body? Your emotions?

By tuning into your reactions across these three domains, you can learn to recognize the early signs that something might not be right. Learning to identify these red flags early on can save you from potential heartache and empower you to seek relationships that are nurturing, supportive, and aligned with your well-being.

Level 1: Physical Response

As we tune into ourselves and our experiences, it’s helpful to begin on the physical level. The Physical reactions you have to stress, anxiety, or fear can be subtle at first but are often clear indicators that a relationship isn’t serving you. We think that love should be intense and that it should inspire butterflies in our stomachs, but that isn’t the case.

In a loving relationship, you shouldn’t feel nauseated, you shouldn’t feel dizzy, or like you have a rapid heart rate when your partner responds to you. There shouldn’t be tension in your shoulders, or pain manifesting itself in your body. If you’re having these kinds of negative physical responses to your partner’s behavior, it’s a sign it’s time to pause and reflect.

Real-life Example:

My client Julia came to me after she noticed a pattern of physical discomfort in her relationship. Every time she was around her partner, she realized that she was having an anxious response — chest tightening, sweating, nausea, etc. It happened any time there was a verbal escalation and it got to the point that the responses lasted for hours. Julia dismissed it first as stress, but we soon discovered that this was her body’s reaction to aggression…a significant red flag in any relationship.

Level 2: Emotional Response

Addressing the physical response to relationships is only a first-level approach. From there, partners have to dig a little deeper. This is where the emotional level is uncovered. Our emotional responses can guide us in understanding our relationship dynamics. Feelings of sadness, fear, anger, or insecurity when interacting with your partner can point to underlying issues that need to be addressed.

Real-life Example:

When Alex started dealing with feelings of inadequacy that affected his work and his ability to be a father, he knew something was wrong. No matter what he did, he felt like it wasn’t good enough. He did everything he could. He got on a health kick, got really involved with his kids, but he still felt like he wasn’t making it work. Peeling back the layers, he realized that a big problem was the negative banter that took place in his relationship. His partner regularly made comments that chipped away at his self-esteem and led him to convincing himself he was worthless.

Level 3: Mental Response

Emotions and physical responses can be relatively easy to identify once you tune into them. Feelings are strong and the physical body is ever present. The real difficulty can be in identifying the mental tolls your red-flag relationship has taken.

How a partner makes you think about yourself, them, and your relationship can reveal a lot about its health. If you’ve noticed a significant shift towards more self-doubt, rumination, or defeatist thinking (about you and your life) since your relationship took root — red flags may be looming in your partnership.

Real-life Example:

Before her marriage, Laura was a confident and outgoing person with a lot of friends and an exciting life. She loved herself and knew her worth. A year or two later, however, she noticed a significant change in her mental state. She was ensnared by constant anxiety. She ruminated constantly about her failures and her past. Every day, she walked on eggshells and tried to make herelf small to avoid “disappointing” her partner. The decline of her mental wellbeing highlighted a partnership that was marked by domination and coercion. Red flags were everywhere.

How do you navigate red flags in your relationship?

Identifying red flags is a crucial first step, but understanding what to do next is the foundation for healthy navigational skills in relationships. There’s no point in identifying these negative patterns if you aren’t going to take action to liberate yourself from them. How can that be done? It’s a process that takes time and a lot of realistic consideration.

1. Acknowledge the reality: There is no addressing a red flag in a relationship without first acknowledging the reality. Rose-colored glasses have to be removed and hard truths swallowed. Are you being treated the way you deserve? Are you settling for someone who doesn’t make you happy?
2. Open up a dialogue: For some couples, red flags are a matter of hardship and poor communication. When partners are willing to do the hard work of therapy and repositioning, improvements can be made. But not without first opening up a dialogue (if appropriate).
3. Seek out support: Addressing serious red flags in a relationship is no easy matter. Difficult on so many levels, partners need to seek out support in the form of friends, family, and even professional care so they can free themselves and recalibrate their futures.
4. Prioritize self-care: Dealing with red flags is difficult and it takes a toll. To recover from the physical discomfort and the mental and emotional anguish, it’s crucial that self-care is prioritized and psychological “batteries” are given the chance to repair and recover.
5. Consider the action: In the end, all red flags require that action is taken. No one can exist happily in a red flag relationship forever, so partners have to decide what the appropriate action to take is — walking away, going to therapy, or some different combination of peace-aligned actions.

Remember, you deserve to be in a relationship where you feel respected, valued, and safe. If the relationship you’re in doesn’t feel that way, take your time working through the steps above and reimagine a happier future in which you are respected and your values aligned.

The path forward to better relationships…

Addressing red flags in a relationship is scary and it is daunting. Where do you begin? Are you even right? What happens if you walk away? Will you be alone forever? There is so much fear and confusion in the process, but that doesn’t make it any less important. Transformation is possible. Finding an ideal relationship that makes you feel safe and loved is possible.

It starts now, with the courage to take the first step. If you’ve gotten this far, then you’re already further along than you think.

Do you feel like you struggle to address the red flags in your relationship? Apply now for my 1:1 relationship coaching program, or schedule a single guidance session with me. Together, we can explore your experiences and work towards building stronger, more fulfilling connections no matter what stage of life you’re in.

Remember, your well-being is paramount, and tuning into how you feel in your relationship is the compass that can guide you to healthier shores. You deserve to be loved and you deserve a relationship that fills you up more than it tears you down. Never lose sight of your worth, in your eyes…or anyone else’s. You matter. Act accordingly.

© E.B. Johnson 2024

I am a writer, artist, NLPMP, and podcaster who helps people build creative lives after trauma. In my free time, I have a passion for fresh bread, history, and all things watercolor. Learn more about me here. Join my mailing list. Or, support my writing by subscribing below.